Please read my student council speech and tell me what you think..Any suggestions will help?

Good afternoon, Mr. Waterman, Mrs. Pine, Teachers, Staff, Parents, Guests, and fellow students. My name is ______ and I am running for president.


Dedicated. Responsible. And Enthusiastic. These are three words that describe me, and three reasons why you should vote for me. I cannot promise that if I am elected we will be allowed to chew gum or have no homework. But I can listen to what you, the students have to say, and pass it on to the faculty. I will try my best to meet any student requests. If that isn’t good enough, then I am not the person to elect. The only promise I can make is that I will try my hardest to help you, the students, have a memorable school year. Some ideas I have to improve the school are: more fundraisers, better food in the snack shack, and more electives. I believe that I am qualified to represent our school because I get good grades, served on student council last year as Spirit commissioner, am involved in many school activities such as t

Please read my student council speech and tell me what you think..Any suggestions will help?
It sounds like you actually know what the job is, and actually want it. I'd vote for you.
Reply:put i somethign funny that will make the teachers and students laugh this will booost there minds in voting for you and in the begining I would just take off the names mr.watermean and mrs.pine because it sounds like you are mainly reading it to them even though you have Teachers, Staff, Parents, Guests, and fellow students after that you should still take it off. and you shouldn't put in like I get straight a's because that sounds like you are bragging....you know what I mean....I didn't want to be mean but I just thought you could make a few changes.
Reply:You may want to go short with your greetings so that people do not become bored. Perhaps as simply as Good afternoon students and staff. The students likely should be mentioned first because they are the ones who will be doing the major part of the voting. Don't say these are words that describe me, that makes it an afterthought, try I am a responsible, dedicated and enthusiastic student. I cannot promise my election will bring the right to students to chew gum, nor am I certain it would end homework...





It sounds like you have a lot of good things to say, but the less time you take to say it, the more likely they will remember what you have said.
Reply:Sounds like a very good speech, well-written and all the proper acknowledgments. Good luck
Reply:it sounds too cookie cutter. Add some sarcastic remarks in it so that people will really listen. If you have it like that people will be bored out of their minds...
Reply:i think the speech is good.





A few suggestions:


Don't use "try my hardest to help you"


try: "my best to help you"





If you want to try a very different approach (see below), rather than listing what you've done at school and make it part of the narrative of your story. Something that speaks about your connection to the school and people, rather saying "These are my qualifications". I believe this style sounds more like a leader and less like ambition. Good luck





"Since I came to SCHOOLNAME, i've competed in spelling bees and school plays and had a great time. I've worked as a library helper, served on school council. I've always loved my school and my friends throughout the school. So it shouldn't be a surprise that i would want to continue to work for my friends and school to make this another great year."





Your original speech is fine. My comments are more about how to "sell" than about the message to the voters.
Reply:If that isn’t good enough, then I am not the person to elect. Drop this line if you want to be elected.


I believe that I am qualified to represent our school because I get good grades. If your running for office they know you get good grades take this out. Sounds like your bragging, no offense.


The rest sounds good. I hope you get elected!
Reply:It sounds ok, i think you need to have more emphasis on your name, you want people to remember instantly who they are. My bf suggested if you look really hot, the guys will instantly remember who you are... I'm suggesting tossing out candy to everyone, but you gotta get your name into their head or else they will just go with whoever's name sounds the best. D*mbass high schoolers that they are.
Reply:I'll vote for you! Your good at making speeches

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